Tag Archives: Struggle

Too Tired

I have been too tired to write.

There have been bladder infections and antibiotics

that made me too tired to write.

Lots of water, cranberry juice and I stopped drinking coffee.

I have been too tired to write…

Too many trips to the bathroom

made me too tired to write.

How to explain…

when getting up in the morning is opening your eyes to realize

that getting out of bed is more like a grand haul.

So, I have been too tired to write.

A trip to the bathroom is more like an expedition

and the shower? Having a shower…

becomes the event of the day.

I have been too tired to write.

Now, let me admit

that I have been too distracted to write.

When simple tasks become arduous, sitting in my wheelchair and catching an episode of my favourite show is fun I deserve.

Have you caught podcasts? There are so many out there. They are much fun to listen to and I can play them all the time. Having other people’s words fill my head distracts me from the arduous peculiarities of life.

And, when I have energy for something, I choose to work on the podcast that I like to call ‘a little spiritual hour’ on the Internet. From The Healing and Cancer Foundation take a look at one of our podcasts.

I have been too distracted to write. Here’s another one of my distractions.

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Did I just say that?

My daughter and I were getting ready to go to a concert. We had eaten a quick supper and she asked, “how do you want to get there?” It had been a mild December, so we could walk. But it was already dark. I haven’t yet ridden my Power Chair on sidewalks at night. “We can call a cab,” I decided. A company in town was offering wheelchair accessible taxis. “I can ride my Power Chair and hop right into the back of the cab,” I explained. For some reason, I was feeling tired and uneasy about going out. Looking to my right I saw my walker and said, “I miss those Walker Days.” I caught my daughter’s gaze as she suppressed a frown. I admitted, “I can’t believe I just said that!”

What was I saying? What could I possibly be missing?

Previously, I would drive, lifting the walker to place it behind the driver’s seat. Parking at a handicapped spot close to the entrance meant I could take out my walker and slowly make my way to the theater. Usually visiting the bathroom before the show started and then taking my seat. There was a time when this was do-able. When these activities involved a little bit of duress. Just enough struggle, but not so much to tire me out. I live with struggle. These days getting up from bed can be difficult. I think I was missing the days when the struggle involved walking. When the walker supported my weight enough that I could do it for a little bit. Now walking is so hard; it isn’t walking anymore,

My Own Marathon

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My hands grip my walker. I’m standing beside my parked car, as traffic rushes past me. I’m going to a Very Friendly Commercial Establishment. Balancing my weight on my right foot, I lift the left foot forward. I squeeze the brakes of my walker, and put my weight on the left foot to move the right. Inching walker forward. Then, lean on the right, and drag the left forward. 

 Just reading about this is exhausting. Yet, I don’t think of this “pretend walking” as torture.

What I do is a willful meditation in slow movement. I take my mind to a place similar to a yoga flow. I concentrate on each movement. When I square the wheels of my walker to the ramp of the sidewalk and slowly amble away from street traffic. Relief. I’m up on the sidewalk! I smile, wanting to celebrate my arrival. Turning the walker towards the entrance, that is 3 metres away, I realize I’m still not there. I wonder: “how much longer will I be able to move like this?” Push that thought aside and plow forward slowly. I know when I get there, I will be met by smiling faces.

Recently, Halifax hosted the Bluenose Marathon.  When I took a look at the route of the 40k marathon, I exclaimed, “ That looks crazy!” Who would chose such a struggle?

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Lego stills and photography by Carlo Myers.